


Last Mission (I Blew Up Some Hearts)

by soufflegirl91



Series: Anon Prompt Gift Exchange 2020 [4]
Category: James Bond (Craig movies), James Bond - All Media Types
Genre: Bond likes running, Crack, Humor, M/M, Mission Reports, under the influence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-26
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:13:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28338249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soufflegirl91/pseuds/soufflegirl91
Summary: M -I know we agreed that it was in MI6’s best interests to get 007’s mission report as soon as he regained consciousness, but in hindsight I wonder if we shouldn’t have waited until the drugs wore off. Dr Singh says she’s very sorry, but the combination of the painkillers and the drugs had unexpected side effects.- Q
Relationships: James Bond/Q
Series: Anon Prompt Gift Exchange 2020 [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2036050
Comments: 35
Kudos: 143
Collections: MI6 Cafe Collections, Mi6 Cafe Prompt Fills





	Last Mission (I Blew Up Some Hearts)

**Author's Note:**

> The final entry for this year's Anon Prompt Gift Exchange! I managed to do all four weeks this year 😁
> 
> For the prompt: The transcript of a mission report Bond gives while still being drugged up at the hospital. 
> 
> As ever, my eternal gratitude to Christine for beta-ing and offering advice on how to write not-strictly-sober characters. It is very much not my forte!

_M -_

_I know we agreed that it was in MI6’s best interests to get 007’s mission report as soon as he regained consciousness, but in hindsight I wonder if we shouldn’t have waited until the drugs wore off. Dr Singh says she’s very sorry, but the combination of the painkillers and the drugs had unexpected side effects._

_\- Q_

**FOR YOUR EYES ONLY - MISSION REPORT QB/007/2015-03-26/836-A**

**EVENT DATE: 26/03/2015**

**REPORT DATE: 27/03/2015**

~~**WRITTEN** ~~**/ DICTATED /** ~~**RECORDED**~~ **BY: 007 [IDENTITY CLASSIFIED]**

**WITNESSED BY: Q [IDENTITY CLASSIFIED]**

Following the longest bloody reconess- reconnaii- boring watching period known to man [ _17 hours and 36 minutes - Q_ ], and really, is there any need for the coffee in the field rations to be that bad? That’s not coffee, that’s liquid torture. I thought my taste buds would actually get up and walk out of my mouth in protest - Yes, that is important for the mission! They send us out with shitty coffee. We risk our lives for bloody Nescafe! It’s a travesty! 

Anyway I finally got the jump on known target 476. I pursued 476 on foot, because I am very good at running. Running tones the legs and is very good for the glutes, which means I have a fabulous arse. You love my arse, don’t you Q? 

Q? 

[RECORDING PAUSED]

[ _I did tell him this was being recorded - Q_ ]

[RECORDING RESUMED]

What do you mean M doesn’t want to hear about my arse? Why wouldn’t M want to hear about my arse? It’s a brilliant arse. 

Ugh, fine. I pursued 47- what was it again? I pursued 476 on foot through 17 million market stalls that all sold spicy rugs [ _6 stalls. Two spice vendors, one rug stall, two greengrocers and one selling assorted cookware - Q_ ]. I wanted to buy you a spicy rug, Q. They had one that was blue and green and grey, just like your eyes are when you’re annoyed. Yes, like that! I didn’t know you could do it on cue. Maybe I’ll go back to Kinshasa next week and buy you the rug. We could put it in front of the sofa and put on that fireside recording they have on Netflix these days so we can-

[RECORDING PAUSED]

[ _Sorry - Q_ ]

[RECORDING RESUMED]

Well, I suppose, if the DRC has blocked my passport for 12 months, you’ll have to wait until next year for the rug. Or I could ask [REDACTED] to get it next time he’s back from [REDACTED]. Maybe I’ll do that. 

Where was I? Oh, the market! Right! I ran after him - did you know that running tones your legs? You do? You’re so clever, Q! Well, I do a lot of running, so my legs are very toned. I ran after him, but then 476 jumped into a mysterious getaway car that was conveniently parked nearby, so I used my super secret spy skills to acquire a motorcycle. [ _The owner wasn’t seriously injured from being pulled off his bike. He has been compensated - Q_ ] I zoomed along behind him, enjoying the wind in my- yes, it IS revelant - RELEVANT!

After following him for 37 years [ _15 minutes, 12 miles - Q_ ], 476 pulled up outside what appeared to be a deserted warehouse. He entered through the main door with his goons [ _accompanied by 2 armed men - Q_ ]. I used my hardcore parkour skills and my very toned legs - they get that way from all the running, you know. Oh, I already told you? Are you sure? Well I climbed onto the roof, where there was a convenient skylight. The window had been left open a crack because I’m just that lucky, so I entered the building that way. 

The warehouse had obviously been used to store the pointless decorative ceramic ornaments that lonely, middle-aged women use fill their houses and the empty spaces in their soul [ _Warehouse owned by MonCœur S.à r.l., registered in Madagascar with premises in Democratic Republic of Congo and Tanzania. 476 was the company director - Q_ ]. Half-empty boxes of cheap pottery cats and flowers and hearts - why DO they think hearts look like that? Who the hell came up with the idea to draw hearts in that way? Hearts don’t look anything like that, it’s stupid! 

While I was crawling around behind boxes and regretting my life choices, I noticed a smashed ornament surrounded by white powder. Upon closer inspection [ _he picked it up and sniffed it - Q_ ], I established that the ornaments were filled with cocaine.

SOMETHING HAD TO BE DONE! 

I had to be the one to do it. Because I was there. And it’s my job. 

I did not have time to report to Q branch that drugs were present, because - No, Q, not because I’m an arsehole with no concern for my own safety, thank you very much. I was being STEALTHY! Anyway, someone would have heard me talking and I needed my hands to crawl with, so I couldn’t report it in. 

So there I was, crawling along - crawling is hell on the knees, you know, Q. We should get- get… knee pads, or something! I don’t mind running. I LIKE running, it- oh, sorry. I was crawling along the melon- mezza- - what's it called? Upper floor that doesn't go all the way across - but the floor was covered in dust and probably cocaine from all the smashed up fake hearts - hearts don’t look like that, it’s stupid! - and all of the powder kept tickling my nose. 

It really wasn’t my fault! They should have swept the floor once in a blue moon, but noooooo! 

I didn’t MEAN to send that box crashing down the stairs when I sneezed. It just… happened. [ _Confirmed from audio logs - Q_ ]. 

This caught the attention of the bad guys [ _476 and the as yet unidentified armed men - Q_ ], who started shooting indiscriminately and very rudely in my direction. 

I used the boxes as cover, and it worked. Mostly. I only got shot once as I moved to the other side of the mezzawhatsit, and it was only a scratch at that [ _graze, upper left bicep - Q_ ]. Because I am the best spy in the world [ _debatable - Q_ ], and because I do a lot of running, so I’m very good at it, I was able to get behind them before they noticed. 

And then I inkypa- incapass- stopped the goons by shooting them both in the head. This made 476 piss himself, because he was out of bullets and was a massive coward [ _not verifiable - Q_ ]. I non-fatally incapassy-tatoed 476 by shooting him in the knee. It hurts like a motherfucker, so I knew he wouldn’t be going anywhere.

The bastard must have had the grenade attached to his belt because he was a bastard. 

Because I DO value my life, Q, stop telling me I don’t, I ran like hell. I do that a lot. I get a lot of practice at running for my life. It means I have a very muscular bottom. No, Q, I HAVEN’T said that already. I would remember if I had talked about my arse. 

I don’t know what happened next because I was unconscious. The next thing I remember was waking up in Medical. 

Q says I tripped and hit my head. 

Whoever dropped that banana peel better hope they’re already dead.

[END RECORDING]


End file.
